A part of me is still working out all the things I think I deserve. Empathy, compassion, reciprocity, a love that stays. Find things I am into, finding things I love. This is what I have to say though. Find people who appreciate what you love, who listen to your ideas, interests and questions. Find a lover who loves and appreciates your body, who will help you celebrate it. Who will lift you up and support your in your body positivity. You are worthy of love and compassion despite being flawed. You are under no circumstance obligated to settle because you are still in repair.. The wrong person will have you convinced that you are asking for too much. You are not. Nobody is interested in emotional scraps. We all deserve to be more than loved halfway. Apologize for un/intentionally hurting someone, profusely. Apologize when you mess up. But don’t apologize for being exactly who you are. Some people do not have the capacity to love you the way you ought to be loved. They are just not in the position…and that is okay. You never ever have to inspire anyone to meet you on the bridge. You never ever have to convince someone to do the work to be ready for you. If they are ready, they will show you. If they are not, they will show you. A persons inability to love you is in no way a reflection of your “enoughness.” The right person will never be able to get enough of you. We have been conditioned to internalize a persons inability to love us as us not being enough. Then we obsess over why we are so hard to love. When I grew and became more self-actualized, I sorted out that it’s not me who is difficult to love, just the wrong person trying to love me. Reserve your energy for those who consistently show up and hold space for you, without question. Find your tribe and love on them hard. Our lived experiences give us the agency to create stronger boundaries and learn more about your values. Beware of emotional predators. Heal through trust and surrender.
As you grow, you learn that not everything is not meant to be a battle. That not everything is set up for you to go to war. I always ask myself how often do I allow ease to enter my life? Growing up, we were always taught to fight for everything, often left feeling depleted when that very thing did not fight for us. But I had to stop exhausting myself.
Why did I doubt my blessings when they did not require me to kneel in a pool of my own blood because of defeat? Hardship is not anyone’s hearts story. Hardship is not your life’s story. You can retire your armor. I promise you. Most of us question whatever enters our lives without a fight, because we don’t feel worthy enough of such effortlessness. Why are we so hellbent about “overcoming”? Is it cause our false victories are not feeding our hearts the way we believe them to be. What if i told you, that all you had to do was take a receptive stance and just allow this life to feed you? Definitely an overwhelming hypothesis. I know. But the thing is, we need to pay attention to how we block our abundance when it arrives without our blood, sweat, and tears. You gotta stop pushing it all away. You’re worthy. We are so worthy of a life that doesn’t require us to constantly feel battered and bruised.
I reach out from the depths of isolation and despair with one hand and shove my saviors with the other. A battle no one cares to notice. And i wonder what it is about me that makes me love unavailable people. I lament the answer. And if my love was not born in struggle or intrigue, would it even exist at all? I walk with the heaviest emptiness in my chest. The weight of love often too great of a burden to bear. I hate how deeply it torments me. I have built walls layers thick and impenetrable; Walls around the emptiness. And love is the chisel that destroys me every moment. And i love. I love until my fortress is a heap of rubble, bare and smoking on the floor…dusty and jagged. And i yell. And cry. And people sift through the debris and take what they deem desirable and scoff at the rest. Because that is all i am. A trophy or a blemish. And so i build. I pick up the pieces and i build. Over and over. Creation. Destruction. Round and round it goes. Being exposed is not an option. Nobody truly cares to see all of that anyway. The facade is all they truly want. Everything else is too instense, and they, too inadequate. Then she comes along. And brick by brick she disarms me. I allow it. I smile through the pain. I hate her. I fear her. I long for her. And i am buried under the weight of vulnerability and weakness, and the illusion of choice.
That he will be
Just like the others
Leaving her to think
His a waste of time too
So many have come and tried
But also came and lied
Couldnt connect with any
Her soul begins to worry
Peace and patience she prays for
Hoping one day to find the right door
Here’s one she returns to
He opens her up
Picks her brain
Feels her emotions
While it thunders and rains
Of everything in the making
The energy they are creating
Is highly anticipating
One can only live
To see what happens next
If he is the one, then my dear.
Has finally met her best.
Of all the hearts in the whole world
She walked into mine
Waltzed past immigration
No remnants of her entrance
Only stains of her occupation
Unannounced like an extra-terrestrial
No physical luggage to carry
Hers, to heavy for the arms of men
Hers, are a construct of her mind.
That i will gladly shoulder
I envision is filled with years
Filled with tears
And being taken for granted
Years of never being appreciated for what she is
Rather berated for what she wasn’t
But am here
Holding up the sign that reads her name
I’ll take her to any destination
I will drive her round the bend
Up the wall
I might even slow dance her to the edge of sanity
But am also here to appreciate the charm
The enigmatic energy
Some may think she is just visiting
I know she is here to stay
For any eventuality
To hold her hand
Through the fights will face
The nights we will chase
Just to see her smile
Or experience an embrace
But she is poetry in motion
She is keates
She is Shakespeare,
She is blake
A sililoquy of emotions
All compiled as a bag of tricks
In a way
I consider treats.
If you’re trying to convince someone to be with you, you’re eventually gonna be trying to convince them to stay. Save yourself the heartache. You can’t make someone choose you, even when they might love you. You can’t love someone into loving you. They have to willfully choose you. If it doesn’t happen organically don’t waste your energy. We have to challenge ourselves to ask the really hard questions and introspectively evaluate our role in the problematic areas of our lives. Reconcile that most things will be okay eventually but not everything will be and that sometimes you need to let go and that it’s no ones fault. Took me 10+ years to reconcile who I am. I don’t have the energy to heavily craft a version of myself for people to like or fall in love with. Be transparent. Express your needs freely and without shame. This helps weed out those who can’t handle you or think you’re too much. Transparency can be uncomfortable and scary and make you feel vulnerable and anxious but speaking your truth and asking for what you need is power. How many times have you suffered because you didn’t ask for what you wanted or needed? You deserve to have your needs met.Express your needs. To friends, to partners. You may be anxious but if they value you, your words will be met with love and understanding. The art of getting your needs met starts with being transparent. Having needs is not the same as being needy. Requiring some of your needs to be met by someone outside of yourself is not unhealthy. We can’t ignore our interdependence. If someone minimizes and dismisses your needs as just being needy they probably don’t value you very much. Know the difference between interdependent and codependent. One is vital for human connection, the other, a toxic manipulation of that connection. When you express how a persons actions hurt your feelings and made you feel invalidated and instead of making excuses they simply apologize >>> Be absolutely clear about who you are and what you need. People will constantly try to project their judgement, ideas and needs on to you. I need to be lifted up in love and reminded that I’m not weak or inadequate for struggling with things others don’t find challenging. If I struggle with something, then I struggle with it. My experience isn’t right or wrong. It just is. My struggles are real and true and valid. It is not my job to keep everyone else happy. It is not my job to keep everyone else happy. It is not my job to keep everyone else happy. One day someone you sacrificed so much for will turn around and say they never asked for it and it’ll devastate you because they’ll be right. I’m complex and emotional and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I belong deeply to myself and have never been more acutely aware of that than now. Ignoring your own wants and needs is not a healthy way to show love. People worth loving will respect your boundaries. There is nothing more risky than pretending not to care. Reminder to self: Everything comes in waves!