career, change, choices, dreams, fear, growth, hate, heartbreak, hope, lessons, life, love, poet, struggle, Uncategorized, unlearning, writing

My morning thought….

My morning thought today was “What made dreaming/hoping come to a halt? Where did you stop? Does the where matter?” Yes. It always matters. And mostly because we want to trace our paths so we can either walk them again when needed or abandon them because they were dead ends. The short answer is most of y’all are not sure when you gave back and returned your talent for dreaming. But its never too late to reclaimed it. So this morning I asked myself what it means to thrive, what it means to be in a good space, I also realized in some of those things/situations? It is important to let go of what no longer is supposed to be in your path. Sometimes we hold onto old dreams because they make us feel grounded. Grounding is good, but being in quick sand isn’t. That is where you have to know the difference. To want what doesn’t want you? To have a desire for the things that turn your life over? There’s no more time for it. To know your mediation in abundance and flourishing is also a moment to give yourself the best thoughts, hopes and manifestations. Begin to dream again. On any given day of the start of this year, lay out your desires. Believe they are already yours.
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choices, growth, lessons, life, love, relationships, soulmate, Uncategorized, unlearning, writing

A part of me…

A part of me is still working out all the things I think I deserve. Empathy, compassion, reciprocity, a love that stays. Find things I am into, finding things I love. This is what I have to say though. Find people who appreciate what you love, who listen to your ideas, interests and questions. Find a lover who loves and appreciates your body, who will help you celebrate it. Who will lift you up and support your in your body positivity. You are worthy of love and compassion despite being flawed. You are under no circumstance obligated to settle because you are still in repair.. The wrong person will have you convinced that you are asking for too much. You are not. Nobody is interested in emotional scraps. We all deserve to be more than loved halfway. Apologize for un/intentionally hurting someone, profusely. Apologize when you mess up. But don’t apologize for being exactly who you are. Some people do not have the capacity to love you the way you ought to be loved. They are just not in the position…and that is okay. You never ever have to inspire anyone to meet you on the bridge. You never ever have to convince someone to do the work to be ready for you. If they are ready, they will show you. If they are not, they will show you. A persons inability to love you is in no way a reflection of your “enoughness.” The right person will never be able to get enough of you. We have been conditioned to internalize a persons inability to love us as us not being enough. Then we obsess over why we are so hard to love. When I grew and became more self-actualized, I sorted out that it’s not me who is difficult to love, just the wrong person trying to love me. Reserve your energy for those who consistently show up and hold space for you, without question. Find your tribe and love on them hard. Our lived experiences give us the agency to create stronger boundaries and learn more about your values. Beware of emotional predators. Heal through trust and surrender.

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choices, fear, growth, lessons, life, struggle, Uncategorized, unlearning, writing

A Word.

​As you grow, you learn that not everything is not meant to be a battle. That not everything is set up for you to go to war. I always ask myself how often do I allow ease to enter my life? Growing up, we were always taught to fight for everything, often left feeling depleted when that very thing did not fight for us. But I had to stop exhausting myself.

Why did I doubt my blessings when they did not require me to kneel in a pool of my own blood because of defeat? Hardship is not anyone’s hearts story. Hardship is not your life’s story. You can retire your armor. I promise you. Most of us question whatever enters our lives without a fight, because we don’t feel worthy enough of such effortlessness. Why are we so hellbent about “overcoming”? Is it cause our false victories are not feeding our hearts the way we believe them to be. What if i told you, that all you had to do was take a receptive stance and just allow this life to feed you? Definitely an overwhelming hypothesis. I know. But the thing is, we need to pay attention to how we block our abundance when it arrives without our blood, sweat, and tears. You gotta stop pushing it all away. You’re worthy. We are so worthy of a life that doesn’t require us to constantly feel battered and bruised.

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fear, hate, heartbreak, life, love, poet, relationships, romance, soulmate, struggle, writing

I Fall

​I reach out from the depths of isolation and despair with one hand and shove my saviors with the other. A battle no one cares to notice. And i wonder what it is about me that makes me love unavailable people. I lament the answer. And if my love was not born in struggle or intrigue, would it even exist at all? I walk with the heaviest emptiness in my chest. The weight of love often too great of a burden to bear. I hate how deeply it torments me. I have built walls layers thick and impenetrable; Walls around the emptiness. And love is the chisel that destroys me every moment. And i love. I love until my fortress is a heap of rubble, bare and smoking on the floor…dusty and jagged. And i yell. And cry. And people sift through the debris and take what they deem desirable and scoff at the rest. Because that is all i am. A trophy or a blemish. And so i build. I pick up the pieces and i build. Over and over.  Creation. Destruction. Round and round it goes. Being exposed is not an option. Nobody truly cares to see all of that anyway. The facade is all they truly want. Everything else is too instense, and they, too inadequate. Then she comes along. And brick by brick she disarms me. I allow it. I smile through the pain. I hate her. I fear her. I long for her. And i am buried under the weight of vulnerability and weakness, and the illusion of choice. 

I fall.

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Uncategorized

Thoughts At 2AM

​They meet

She fears

That he will be

Just like the others

Leaving her to think 

His a waste of time too

So many have come and tried 

But also came and lied

Couldnt connect with any 

Her soul begins to worry

Peace and patience she prays for

Hoping one day to find the right door

Here’s one she returns to

He opens her up

Picks her brain

Feels her emotions 

While it thunders and rains

2AM conversations

Of everything in the making 

The energy they are creating

Is highly anticipating 

One can only live

To see what happens next

If he is the one, then my dear. 

Has finally met her best. 

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Uncategorized

Twin Flame

​Of all the hearts in the whole world

She walked into mine

Waltzed past immigration

No passport

No visa

No trace

No remnants of her entrance

Only stains of her occupation

Unannounced like an extra-terrestrial

No physical luggage to carry

Hers, to heavy for the arms of men

Hers, are a construct of her mind. 

That i will gladly shoulder 

Tough

Almost impenetrable,

A shell

I envision is filled with years

Filled with tears 

With memories

With abuse

Neglect 

Abandonment 

Rejection

Self-doubt

And being taken for granted 

Years of never being appreciated for what she is

Rather berated for what she wasn’t 

But am here

Holding up the sign that reads her name

I’ll take her to any destination

I will drive her round the bend

Up the wall

And sometimes

I might even slow dance her to the edge of sanity

But am also here to appreciate the charm

The humility 

The candour

The valour

The sincerity 

The enigmatic energy

Some may think she is just visiting

I know she is here to stay

I’m prepared

For any eventuality

I’m prepared

To hold her hand

Through the fights will face

The nights we will chase

Just to see her smile

Or experience an embrace

That rhymes

But she is poetry in motion

She is keates

She is Shakespeare, 

She is blake

A sililoquy of emotions

All compiled as a bag of tricks

Tricks,

In a way

I consider treats.

 

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Uncategorized

Choose People Who Choose You

​If you’re trying to convince someone to be with you, you’re eventually gonna be trying to convince them to stay. Save yourself the heartache. You can’t make someone choose you, even when they might love you. You can’t love someone into loving you. They have to willfully choose you. If it doesn’t happen organically don’t waste your energy. We have to challenge ourselves to ask the really hard questions and introspectively evaluate our role in the problematic areas of our lives. Reconcile that most things will be okay eventually but not everything will be and that sometimes you need to let go and that it’s no ones fault. Took me 10+ years to reconcile who I am. I don’t have the energy to heavily craft a version of myself for people to like or fall in love with. Be transparent. Express your needs freely and without shame. This helps weed out those who can’t handle you or think you’re too much. Transparency can be uncomfortable and scary and make you feel vulnerable and anxious but speaking your truth and asking for what you need is power. How many times have you suffered because you didn’t ask for what you wanted or needed? You deserve to have your needs met.Express your needs. To friends, to partners. You may be anxious but if they value you, your words will be met with love and understanding. The art of getting your needs met starts with being transparent. Having needs is not the same as being needy. Requiring some of your needs to be met by someone outside of yourself is not unhealthy. We can’t ignore our interdependence. If someone minimizes and dismisses your needs as just being needy they probably don’t value you very much. Know the difference between interdependent and codependent. One is vital for human connection, the other, a toxic manipulation of that connection. When you express how a persons actions hurt your feelings and made you feel invalidated and instead of making excuses they simply apologize >>> Be absolutely clear about who you are and what you need. People will constantly try to project their judgement, ideas and needs on to you. I need to be lifted up in love and reminded that I’m not weak or inadequate for struggling with things others don’t find challenging. If I struggle with something, then I struggle with it. My experience isn’t right or wrong. It just is. My struggles are real and true and valid. It is not my job to keep everyone else happy. It is not my job to keep everyone else happy. It is not my job to keep everyone else happy. One day someone you sacrificed so much for will turn around and say they never asked for it and it’ll devastate you because they’ll be right. I’m complex and emotional and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I belong deeply to myself and have never been more acutely aware of that than now. Ignoring your own wants and needs is not a healthy way to show love. People worth loving will respect your boundaries. There is nothing more risky than pretending not to care. Reminder to self: Everything comes in waves!

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