choices, fear, growth, lessons, life, struggle, Uncategorized, unlearning, writing

A Word.

​As you grow, you learn that not everything is not meant to be a battle. That not everything is set up for you to go to war. I always ask myself how often do I allow ease to enter my life? Growing up, we were always taught to fight for everything, often left feeling depleted when that very thing did not fight for us. But I had to stop exhausting myself.

Why did I doubt my blessings when they did not require me to kneel in a pool of my own blood because of defeat? Hardship is not anyone’s hearts story. Hardship is not your life’s story. You can retire your armor. I promise you. Most of us question whatever enters our lives without a fight, because we don’t feel worthy enough of such effortlessness. Why are we so hellbent about “overcoming”? Is it cause our false victories are not feeding our hearts the way we believe them to be. What if i told you, that all you had to do was take a receptive stance and just allow this life to feed you? Definitely an overwhelming hypothesis. I know. But the thing is, we need to pay attention to how we block our abundance when it arrives without our blood, sweat, and tears. You gotta stop pushing it all away. You’re worthy. We are so worthy of a life that doesn’t require us to constantly feel battered and bruised.

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fear, hate, heartbreak, life, love, poet, relationships, romance, soulmate, struggle, writing

I Fall

​I reach out from the depths of isolation and despair with one hand and shove my saviors with the other. A battle no one cares to notice. And i wonder what it is about me that makes me love unavailable people. I lament the answer. And if my love was not born in struggle or intrigue, would it even exist at all? I walk with the heaviest emptiness in my chest. The weight of love often too great of a burden to bear. I hate how deeply it torments me. I have built walls layers thick and impenetrable; Walls around the emptiness. And love is the chisel that destroys me every moment. And i love. I love until my fortress is a heap of rubble, bare and smoking on the floor…dusty and jagged. And i yell. And cry. And people sift through the debris and take what they deem desirable and scoff at the rest. Because that is all i am. A trophy or a blemish. And so i build. I pick up the pieces and i build. Over and over.  Creation. Destruction. Round and round it goes. Being exposed is not an option. Nobody truly cares to see all of that anyway. The facade is all they truly want. Everything else is too instense, and they, too inadequate. Then she comes along. And brick by brick she disarms me. I allow it. I smile through the pain. I hate her. I fear her. I long for her. And i am buried under the weight of vulnerability and weakness, and the illusion of choice. 

I fall.

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Uncategorized

Thoughts At 2AM

​They meet

She fears

That he will be

Just like the others

Leaving her to think 

His a waste of time too

So many have come and tried 

But also came and lied

Couldnt connect with any 

Her soul begins to worry

Peace and patience she prays for

Hoping one day to find the right door

Here’s one she returns to

He opens her up

Picks her brain

Feels her emotions 

While it thunders and rains

2AM conversations

Of everything in the making 

The energy they are creating

Is highly anticipating 

One can only live

To see what happens next

If he is the one, then my dear. 

Has finally met her best. 

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Uncategorized

Twin Flame

​Of all the hearts in the whole world

She walked into mine

Waltzed past immigration

No passport

No visa

No trace

No remnants of her entrance

Only stains of her occupation

Unannounced like an extra-terrestrial

No physical luggage to carry

Hers, to heavy for the arms of men

Hers, are a construct of her mind. 

That i will gladly shoulder 

Tough

Almost impenetrable,

A shell

I envision is filled with years

Filled with tears 

With memories

With abuse

Neglect 

Abandonment 

Rejection

Self-doubt

And being taken for granted 

Years of never being appreciated for what she is

Rather berated for what she wasn’t 

But am here

Holding up the sign that reads her name

I’ll take her to any destination

I will drive her round the bend

Up the wall

And sometimes

I might even slow dance her to the edge of sanity

But am also here to appreciate the charm

The humility 

The candour

The valour

The sincerity 

The enigmatic energy

Some may think she is just visiting

I know she is here to stay

I’m prepared

For any eventuality

I’m prepared

To hold her hand

Through the fights will face

The nights we will chase

Just to see her smile

Or experience an embrace

That rhymes

But she is poetry in motion

She is keates

She is Shakespeare, 

She is blake

A sililoquy of emotions

All compiled as a bag of tricks

Tricks,

In a way

I consider treats.

 

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Uncategorized

Choose People Who Choose You

​If you’re trying to convince someone to be with you, you’re eventually gonna be trying to convince them to stay. Save yourself the heartache. You can’t make someone choose you, even when they might love you. You can’t love someone into loving you. They have to willfully choose you. If it doesn’t happen organically don’t waste your energy. We have to challenge ourselves to ask the really hard questions and introspectively evaluate our role in the problematic areas of our lives. Reconcile that most things will be okay eventually but not everything will be and that sometimes you need to let go and that it’s no ones fault. Took me 10+ years to reconcile who I am. I don’t have the energy to heavily craft a version of myself for people to like or fall in love with. Be transparent. Express your needs freely and without shame. This helps weed out those who can’t handle you or think you’re too much. Transparency can be uncomfortable and scary and make you feel vulnerable and anxious but speaking your truth and asking for what you need is power. How many times have you suffered because you didn’t ask for what you wanted or needed? You deserve to have your needs met.Express your needs. To friends, to partners. You may be anxious but if they value you, your words will be met with love and understanding. The art of getting your needs met starts with being transparent. Having needs is not the same as being needy. Requiring some of your needs to be met by someone outside of yourself is not unhealthy. We can’t ignore our interdependence. If someone minimizes and dismisses your needs as just being needy they probably don’t value you very much. Know the difference between interdependent and codependent. One is vital for human connection, the other, a toxic manipulation of that connection. When you express how a persons actions hurt your feelings and made you feel invalidated and instead of making excuses they simply apologize >>> Be absolutely clear about who you are and what you need. People will constantly try to project their judgement, ideas and needs on to you. I need to be lifted up in love and reminded that I’m not weak or inadequate for struggling with things others don’t find challenging. If I struggle with something, then I struggle with it. My experience isn’t right or wrong. It just is. My struggles are real and true and valid. It is not my job to keep everyone else happy. It is not my job to keep everyone else happy. It is not my job to keep everyone else happy. One day someone you sacrificed so much for will turn around and say they never asked for it and it’ll devastate you because they’ll be right. I’m complex and emotional and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I belong deeply to myself and have never been more acutely aware of that than now. Ignoring your own wants and needs is not a healthy way to show love. People worth loving will respect your boundaries. There is nothing more risky than pretending not to care. Reminder to self: Everything comes in waves!

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Uncategorized

Love, Friendship And Bonds.

    You really just gotta love the people in your life. How y’all get together at the end of the day to talk about where you’re at. It is so important to make a variety of friends. Intentionally expand and select the relationships in your life. Some friends you talk to everyday, some you grab dinner with, some you talk business with, some you go to for a good laugh. The friend you grab drinks with isn’t always the friend you want to talk personal things with and that is OK.        

     Relationships are such incredible resources and they have CHANGED my life profoundly. Like sharing a good laugh on the phone with a friend on a Thursday night. Look at the people in your life and understand what function they serve to your life and you in theirs. If someone is unavailable to the type of energy exchange you seek, leave them be and redirect your energy towards someone who is available. Life has shown me how much relationships mean to me and how much they nourish my existence. A new friend randomly called me one night. We were on the phone for hours. My cheeks hurt from laughing and ofcourse smiling so much! There is just something about knowing you can pick up the phone and someone will be available for you. Always appreciate the relationships you have. You really complicate life when you try to change people. That’s why I say, expand your network, so you have a variety of people to draw on. Get to know the puzzle pieces you have in your life. It’s very empowering. Understand what each relationship is offering you. This also spills into dating, which can be fun. Experience an intentional variety of people and see their functionality in your life. One person may provide you with an incredible mental connection. Another one may give you an adventurous experience. Enjoy both. Someone will not be your everything all at once, but through being present and getting to know them, things may grow into that. 

   However, when it comes to all relationships – friends, romance, business – you need to continually responding to what’s present and presented. Potential never fed anybody. But showing up changes the game. Engage with the people in your life because they continue to show up. To be honest, the most impressive and exhilarating thing has to be someone who shows up and that includes YOU showing up for yourself. I LIVE for shared experiences. My love language is quality time. Sharing moments with someone who’s 100% present is everything. I promise you. You will meet someone who wants to show up and will make that transparent through action. Get over that person not showing up. You should not care how much “chemistry” or energy you have with someone if they are not showing up. What can someone do with this chemistry or energy y’all share if you’re not even there to see what it can become? It becomes very easy for anyone to be present and centered, so that they can respond to their reality accordingly. You gotta use the not so sweet experiences to direct you towards understanding what a great experience looks like for you.How does love need to look like for you? In what way do you need someone showing up in order for you to recognize they’re interested? Some women really enjoy someone who can handle how sassy they are. They really love that part of themselves. And they are attracted to men who are in touch with their masculine and feminine sides, because they are in touch with theirs. It makes things fun. I’ve noticed that when you’re single, you don’t really give yourself enough permission to mentally explore what romance should look like. Romance begins long before the person shows up. Why? Because it’s empowering taking the time to decipher what YOU are seeking.

   Getting chosen in love is cool, but do you know what YOU want to choose in a partner?Don’t consume yourself so much with getting chosen that  you don’t assess who’s choosing you. Romantic love can be a great, empowering and conscious experience. These days, people want to ascend in love. Not fall blindly. Not to mention, you do have to teach people how you like to be loved. Taking the time out to know what makes you feel loved is empowering!

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Uncategorized

Thoughts From Raw/Unfiltered Conversation.

​Hold people accountable for sending mixed signals. All actions have consequences and you have a right to inquire on the actions people display. Crazy how way too many women are experiencing guys who act like they want relationships but say they don’t. Hold these guys accountable. Call them out. Learn from the process. Be unwavering and clear in articulating your needs. Don’t settle. Accountability, communication and confrontation can be positive things, just as brushing things off and not addressing can be detrimental. “Going with the flow” isn’t always the wave. Sometimes you need to be in control of the ship. Be direct and in the knowing of circumstances. People really out here taking people for joyrides and dropping off when they’re done, and you’re not allowed to question them? You have a RIGHT to ask people what their intentions are. They are not only entering your space, but coming into contact with your energy. Always personally ask yourself what your intentions are with someone. Know why you’re there. A good friend said something that still resonates. “If they don’t have self-control, they don’t have self-respect.”When you value your time, your energy and the quality of your experiences, you’re inherently clear in what you’re seeking. When you respect yourself, you respect your time and energy, and in turn respect others time and energy. Hold yourself accountable for sending mixed signals as well. Get to the root of why it’s happening. Determine what you actually want. “I don’t want to be down. I want a relationship. I’m not settling for anything that isn’t long-term.” Dealing with people who send mixed signals or leaves you guessing is low key and high key bad for anyones health. Choose your well being people. If you’re not supplying peace, good vibes or delight into anyones space, you’re bad for their health and they should not be engaging. People take their physical health more seriously than their mental, but listen, your mental health impacts your physical. Dealing with someone unpredictable puts your body in a constant state of stress. Cortisol levels remain heightened. This isn’t good!

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